I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
