Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
