Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
