seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
