new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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