just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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