No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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