How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
