I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
