I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
is wine microwaveable?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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