Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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