I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
