2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
