can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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