oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
