She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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