just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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