two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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