I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
