I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
