I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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