i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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