mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
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Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
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I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
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