i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
