just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
