if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
4 words: hood of his car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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