Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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