this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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