He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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