You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
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I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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