I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm really busy with my period
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
