I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just pee around me
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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