You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
