He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
