Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
