He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
