someone threw a dead crab at me
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
