How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
