after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
