i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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