I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
