There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
