I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
