Cold hands, warm shart.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
