I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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