I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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