i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
