Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
