I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
