I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Randomize
