either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
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i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
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Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
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