So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I could make wine with my vomit
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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