Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
