sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
