He had one of those small greek statue penises
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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